PATSY

''You know in Bangkok they have toilets that insert a cigarette''

''My ring needs resealing, I know the gutters sagging a bit but how about a quick plunge up the waste pipe?''

''This little baby is like a Prozac raindrop from a thundercloud of depression.''

''Are we keeping old corks?''

''Piss off! How old do you think we are?''

''Meg Ryan, movie star?! I'll be the judge of that.''

''Time is like a stretched elastic band. You can't let it go or it'll come back and take your eye out.''

''Eddy, your stomach's just like a dog waiting to be fed - it just hangs there until you want to kick it.''

''One snap of my fingers and I can raise hemlines so high the whole world's your gynecologist.''

"Is it a bee????"

''Care about her? You may dress like a Christian but the similarity ends there.''

"There's nothing macho about having an O level in maths, a floppy disc drive and a personality bypass."

"The last mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty Ford clinic."

"Well...um...I...condole you."

''Darling, if you want to talk bollocks and discover the meaning of life, you're better off downing a bottle of whiskey. Atleast that way, you're unconscious by the time you start to take yourself seriously.''

''Hello, Alex. This is the mood board for the next edition: sex, b*tch, aristo, sex, punk, whore, b*tch, prossie, lesie, punk, tart, slut. Oh but Alex, Alex, with lovely shoes. ''

EDDY

''Is this the car-clamp club?''

''If you could harm a baby by shaking it, you would've been a goner.''

''Tittikaka to the sink!''

''Do you think a criminal is going to go Oh, Jim lets just give her a minute while she gets her Trivial Pursuit?''

''I know I might eat and drink too much, sweetie, but what's your excuse, LARD ARSE?!''

''You've got to switch it on, not just make the noise!"

''You and your little Ms Dynamite tee hees''

''In my day, that would have been douched out by morning. A huge tsunami of vinegar water would have flushed those swimmers out mid-stroke."

''Full tit n minge!''

''I've got my hands in loads of pies darling. Darling! Sweetie! EDDIE PIE HANDS!!!''

''Soon I'll be bendy like Madonna, darling. Then I'll be able to kiss my own ass from both directions.''

"Yes! Edina Monsoon; Stand on the bloody bin bag!!"

''I don't think that "Kylie Minogue chokes on vegetarian sausage after all-night not-drinking binge at safe celebrity nightspot," has quite the same ring about it.''

''Don't think you're so clever. I've started repressed false memory therapy; I'll get something on you yet. You in a wood in a hood. It's all coming back to me.''

''And excuse me if I sue when I die prematurely of passive boredom. Of dull-as-dishwater-daughter-induced stress. ''

''I'm just not the sort of woman who wants to spend a free afternoon squatted over a small hand mirror, you know. For God's sake, I've seen doctors go pale.''

''When someone delibrety overeducates themself out of the possibility of useful employment, I take issue darling!''

''There was a time I was out there. I was hip. I was dangerous. The zeitgeist blew from me! ''

''WE DIDN'T HAVE CAMERAS IN THOSE DAYS!''

BUBBLES

''Hoooooooover!! Hooooooooover!!''

''Sun comes up, Sun goes down...On the paper days she returns''

''Stylist? Oh I'm too rich and famous to ask for my own free clothes will you do it for me? Will you be my stylist?''

''I shall endeavor to transcribe it on my pad, photocopy it and file it for future reference.''

''Consider it done.''

SAFFY

''Glad to see some of the old fixtures and fittings are still here''

''What's Patsy having? It must be difficult to find a priority on a face like that!''

''Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsibility. You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. Someone does your hair, someone chooses what you wear, someone does your brain, someone tells you what to eat and three times a week someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you! ''

Saffy - ''It just kicked!''
Patsy - ''Of course it did - who wouldn't? I'm rather tempted myself!''

''MP in drug-crazed sex romp shock with fash... mag... slag''

''Someone chooses what you wear, someone chooses what you eat, someone does your brain and three times a week someone shoves a hose up your backside and flushes it all out of you.''

''You took my face with your four hands and pushed it up against the window.''

''You cannot find yourself through massage!''

Saffy - 'I thought they didn't let people with drug convictions into America.'
Patsy - 'It's not so much a conviction, darling. It's more of a strong belief.'

OTHER

Mother: ''Goodness Gracious Me''

Midwife: ''I tell them though when push comes to shove you'll be screaming for drugs and shitting the bed''

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